( aka he isn't holding his breath on that one and he's just gonna swallow all this down too until it's a tiny little tumor on his liver and then he'll eventually die on an unrelated rusty nail and never have to actually confront his problems )
（ it's text, so there's no translation of tone. the way his hands shake. the way he can't hardly swallow against the torrent of emotion he's been fighting down since he watched ellie die. he doesn't even want to say it, it's just there an' done before he can stop it, an' then there's no takin' it back. ）
（ they'd spoken on hell. he knows. knows too that he ain't got no right to complain about nothin' at all when dean's lived the life he has. the scope of his sufferin' is mighty small, comparative. ）
Though I'm still choked you ruined my favorite shirt, by the by.
（ they haven't talked about it. might not. but he's hell an' gone sure that dean feels more awkward about it than he does, so... just. that, to break the tension if nothin' else. ）
and there was something seriously wrong with that washer
( you know what acknowledging that part of it ain't so bad if he can play at being irritated it goes down easier also... somehow an improvement on the conversation they were having, go figure )
Given that I've got an inkling of where your mouth's been, I ain't much interested in your toothbrush. But you've got good taste in plaid.
I've stitched a man's guts back together under fire, but that was necessity more than residency. This is... I don't know. More official. More technical. Less 'I've seen two other fellas bleed out from their femoral so long about the third time I figured out I ought to tie it off with a shoestring'.
( ok NOW they're touching on uncomfortable waters; he used to play at crap like this but now he
has
some pretty vivid memories of
putting his money where his mouth is, so to speak )
okay thank you for that horrifying mental image anyway, you're official now as far as I'm concerned, even if the paper didn't make it back with you so congrats, papaw
You wouldn't believe how many things I did with shoestrings in the War, and don't even get me started on belts.
Much as it's hard work, I won't say it ain't nice to have memories of clean hospitals, proper anesthetic and folks who ain't —
（ cryin' for their mamas. that's the thing he always remembers. it stays with him, an' he'll carry it until he dies. even the dead, sometimes, would cry out for family.
he shakes that thought outta his head, focuses in on somethin' else. ）
Anyway.
I'll put a plaque on a wall or something and call it a day.
( It's true, that's a pretty consistent behavior across all of humanity. Down in hell, Dean screamed Sam's name off and on for the better part of three decades. Called out for his dad a few times, too.
They can let that one lie. )
glad somebody walked outta there with something good, anyway
I'd almost say it was more good than bad for me, except —
It's different, you know? Growing up speaking to the dead. Knowing what comes after. Knowing it's okay. I was never afraid of death, and loss... it hurt, but I reckon it wasn't ever as deep for me as it was for some other folk because I had that gift.
Makes sense Dying used to scare the hell out of me before I learned about what came next Then it was mostly hell that terrified me, but you know I get the picture
I didn't have Sam Grew up an only child I know that's not the same thing but Still can't wrap my head around it
( or the huge hole he felt deep down in his gut, which is probably why he went from relationship to relationship trying to fill it. )
No, I hear you. I missed my brothers, too. But I did gain a sister, of a sort, out of that whole mess. Ellie, you know her? Liked her well enough on the outside, now... well, just one more thing I'll have to sort out, but at least it's easier to figure out where I stand on loving someone.
It's just one more thing, Dean. Your life's already been full of 'em.
The sky falls down, you pick up the pieces and walk forward, that's all.
We'll take it as it comes.
I don't —
I know it ain't like that for you and me. And I'm sure you thought it wasn't like that for you and Castiel, but you're going to have to sort that out for yourself sooner rather than later.
Which I know you'll be averse to, on account of having the emotional spectrum of a hungry toddler. But I am here for you if you need me.
That is giving you entirely too much credit and then some at the best of times and you know it.
（ they'll come back to this, but gene is good enough at reading this idiot kansan by now that that he knows when to press and when to leave well enough alone so he can lick his wounds a spell. ）
Circling back around to the here and now. Clarke's one of my folk, and I am rightfully pissed at how you were treating her. Don't bring up her behavior, I ain't interested in hearing you trying to justify yourself. You oughta know better than to take your anger out on others by now, fella.
Look If she leaves me the hell alone we don't have a problem, she knows the score, nobody forced her in there It's not rocket science But I'm not gonna roll over for her either when she comes busting down my door trying to put a leash and collar on me, I'm sorry but it's not happening
The both of you are sledgehammers when you feel you're in the right. Ain't a delicate bone between you. Fact still remains that your behavior escalated the matter when you should have just walked away. Leaving well enough alone is a two way street.
Just damn well ignore her. You ain't gotta get cute about it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 07:20 am (UTC)nope that was pretty much it
( LOOK HE TRIED AND THEREFOR NOBODY CAN CRITICIZE HIM
sobs into a bottle )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 07:21 am (UTC)We'll talk when I'm back in New Amsterdam.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 07:23 am (UTC)( aka he isn't holding his breath on that one and he's just gonna swallow all this down too until it's a tiny little tumor on his liver and then he'll eventually die on an unrelated rusty nail and never have to actually confront his problems )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:02 am (UTC)I ain't sorry. For the record.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:06 am (UTC)I know you were just trying to help, and I acted like a dick
this isn't a 'we both apologize' situation
I'm sorry
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:11 am (UTC)（ it's text, so there's no translation of tone. the way his hands shake. the way he can't hardly swallow against the torrent of emotion he's been fighting down since he watched ellie die. he doesn't even want to say it, it's just there an' done before he can stop it, an' then there's no takin' it back. ）
That's all. Just tired.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:15 am (UTC)Believe me
I get it
( He doesn't need to be able to see Gene to take an accurate stab at what that tone is. He reads it in the same accent as his freaking soul feels.
Bone-deep, world-weary, burnt-out exhaustion. )
1/2
Date: 2020-12-18 08:19 am (UTC)I know you do.
（ they'd spoken on hell. he knows. knows too that he ain't got no right to complain about nothin' at all when dean's lived the life he has. the scope of his sufferin' is mighty small, comparative. ）
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:23 am (UTC)Though I'm still choked you ruined my favorite shirt, by the by.
（ they haven't talked about it. might not. but he's hell an' gone sure that dean feels more awkward about it than he does, so... just. that, to break the tension if nothin' else. ）
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:32 am (UTC)for the last time, that was my damn shirt
and there was something seriously wrong with that washer
( you know what
acknowledging that part of it ain't so bad
if he can play at being irritated it goes down easier
also... somehow an improvement on the conversation they were having, go figure )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:57 am (UTC)Ergo.
Fuck, I was a doctor. Ain't that a thing.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:59 am (UTC)By that logic you might as well have seized my damn toothbrush
aren't you basically a doctor anyway, or did I hallucinate you yelling at me while patching me up that one time
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:02 am (UTC)I've stitched a man's guts back together under fire, but that was necessity more than residency. This is... I don't know. More official. More technical. Less 'I've seen two other fellas bleed out from their femoral so long about the third time I figured out I ought to tie it off with a shoestring'.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:07 am (UTC)has
some pretty vivid memories of
putting his money where his mouth is, so to speak )
okay thank you for that horrifying mental image
anyway, you're official now as far as I'm concerned, even if the paper didn't make it back with you
so
congrats, papaw
sorry
doctor papaw
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:16 am (UTC)Much as it's hard work, I won't say it ain't nice to have memories of clean hospitals, proper anesthetic and folks who ain't —
（ cryin' for their mamas. that's the thing he always remembers. it stays with him, an' he'll carry it until he dies. even the dead, sometimes, would cry out for family.
he shakes that thought outta his head, focuses in on somethin' else. ）
Anyway.
I'll put a plaque on a wall or something and call it a day.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:20 am (UTC)They can let that one lie. )
glad somebody walked outta there with something good, anyway
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:25 am (UTC)It's different, you know? Growing up speaking to the dead. Knowing what comes after. Knowing it's okay. I was never afraid of death, and loss... it hurt, but I reckon it wasn't ever as deep for me as it was for some other folk because I had that gift.
I didn't, there. It changed things.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:32 am (UTC)Dying used to scare the hell out of me before I learned about what came next
Then it was mostly hell that terrified me, but you know
I get the picture
I didn't have Sam
Grew up an only child
I know that's not the same thing but
Still can't wrap my head around it
( or the huge hole he felt deep down in his gut, which is probably why he went from relationship to relationship trying to fill it. )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 07:01 pm (UTC)( To even start to deal with what went down there. He doesn't even know how in the hell to finish that sentence.
And this isn't the time or the place because the time a and place is never, nowhere.
But.
Gene's gently cracking him with the right blend of light but serious. )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:31 pm (UTC)The sky falls down, you pick up the pieces and walk forward, that's all.
We'll take it as it comes.
I don't —
I know it ain't like that for you and me. And I'm sure you thought it wasn't like that for you and Castiel, but you're going to have to sort that out for yourself sooner rather than later.
Which I know you'll be averse to, on account of having the emotional spectrum of a hungry toddler. But I am here for you if you need me.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:31 pm (UTC)( deftly not responding to any of the relevant parts look at him go )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:42 pm (UTC)（ they'll come back to this, but gene is good enough at reading this idiot kansan by now that that he knows when to press and when to leave well enough alone so he can lick his wounds a spell. ）
Circling back around to the here and now. Clarke's one of my folk, and I am rightfully pissed at how you were treating her. Don't bring up her behavior, I ain't interested in hearing you trying to justify yourself. You oughta know better than to take your anger out on others by now, fella.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:07 pm (UTC)If she leaves me the hell alone we don't have a problem, she knows the score, nobody forced her in there
It's not rocket science
But I'm not gonna roll over for her either when she comes busting down my door trying to put a leash and collar on me, I'm sorry but it's not happening
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:42 pm (UTC)The both of you are sledgehammers when you feel you're in the right. Ain't a delicate bone between you. Fact still remains that your behavior escalated the matter when you should have just walked away. Leaving well enough alone is a two way street.
Just damn well ignore her. You ain't gotta get cute about it.
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