You wouldn't believe how many things I did with shoestrings in the War, and don't even get me started on belts.
Much as it's hard work, I won't say it ain't nice to have memories of clean hospitals, proper anesthetic and folks who ain't —
（ cryin' for their mamas. that's the thing he always remembers. it stays with him, an' he'll carry it until he dies. even the dead, sometimes, would cry out for family.
he shakes that thought outta his head, focuses in on somethin' else. ）
Anyway.
I'll put a plaque on a wall or something and call it a day.
( It's true, that's a pretty consistent behavior across all of humanity. Down in hell, Dean screamed Sam's name off and on for the better part of three decades. Called out for his dad a few times, too.
They can let that one lie. )
glad somebody walked outta there with something good, anyway
I'd almost say it was more good than bad for me, except —
It's different, you know? Growing up speaking to the dead. Knowing what comes after. Knowing it's okay. I was never afraid of death, and loss... it hurt, but I reckon it wasn't ever as deep for me as it was for some other folk because I had that gift.
Makes sense Dying used to scare the hell out of me before I learned about what came next Then it was mostly hell that terrified me, but you know I get the picture
I didn't have Sam Grew up an only child I know that's not the same thing but Still can't wrap my head around it
( or the huge hole he felt deep down in his gut, which is probably why he went from relationship to relationship trying to fill it. )
No, I hear you. I missed my brothers, too. But I did gain a sister, of a sort, out of that whole mess. Ellie, you know her? Liked her well enough on the outside, now... well, just one more thing I'll have to sort out, but at least it's easier to figure out where I stand on loving someone.
It's just one more thing, Dean. Your life's already been full of 'em.
The sky falls down, you pick up the pieces and walk forward, that's all.
We'll take it as it comes.
I don't —
I know it ain't like that for you and me. And I'm sure you thought it wasn't like that for you and Castiel, but you're going to have to sort that out for yourself sooner rather than later.
Which I know you'll be averse to, on account of having the emotional spectrum of a hungry toddler. But I am here for you if you need me.
That is giving you entirely too much credit and then some at the best of times and you know it.
（ they'll come back to this, but gene is good enough at reading this idiot kansan by now that that he knows when to press and when to leave well enough alone so he can lick his wounds a spell. ）
Circling back around to the here and now. Clarke's one of my folk, and I am rightfully pissed at how you were treating her. Don't bring up her behavior, I ain't interested in hearing you trying to justify yourself. You oughta know better than to take your anger out on others by now, fella.
Look If she leaves me the hell alone we don't have a problem, she knows the score, nobody forced her in there It's not rocket science But I'm not gonna roll over for her either when she comes busting down my door trying to put a leash and collar on me, I'm sorry but it's not happening
The both of you are sledgehammers when you feel you're in the right. Ain't a delicate bone between you. Fact still remains that your behavior escalated the matter when you should have just walked away. Leaving well enough alone is a two way street.
Just damn well ignore her. You ain't gotta get cute about it.
（ he'd argue that she didn't fly off the handle - she sunk down into a place of cold, cruel precision that she felt was justified. but troublin' himself about makin' that point with dean is moot, an' anyhow — much as clarke's a flawed person, he's protective of those flaws, because knowin' them is a point of intimacy with her that dean surely ain't entitled to.
but it's a better point of concession than he expected, so he'll take it an' swallow down the rest. it's easier now that he's got some distance from it, an' he ain't starin' down two folks he cares for at each other's throats. ）
Well, what do I care? After all, reckon it was your shirt.
The first conversations I recall holding were with the dead. Not my Ma or my Pa, but folks who'd been gone near about a hundred years. I used to go roving out anywhere I could find them, must've wandered the whole of Conecuh before I was ten. Had more friends dead than alive, and that's held true most of my life. Most everyone dead has regrets, but when it came to things like there was just about always a common thread.
It was never... golly, I sure am glad I abstained from how I felt the whole of my life to make my family or my church happy. So many folks lived and died in denial of who they were and they all carry into the great beyond, Dean.
I was real lucky, you know? My Pa was like me — with the ghosts I mean — and held to the same opinions I do on the matter of a life lived well being of greater import than one lived by somebody else's metric. And my Ma... ah... she was fond in that way of a gal she'd known in the Great War, who I grew up knowing as my Aunt Ysobel. Least judgmental folks on the face of the planet, them, though it weren't all that easy being in small town Alabama.
Edited (in 2192 I will still be editing this comment from beyond the fucking grave apparently) Date: 2020-12-18 11:53 pm (UTC)
I had a fella once upon a time. In the war. We were just dumb kids back then, stealing moments in foxholes. Lord, mostly we just slept on each other's shoulders, even. Barely more than that. At best we would've been discharged for it if the wrong person ever found out. At worst we would've been shot. He was always in more danger than I was over it. Attrition among medics was higher than just about any other form of service there was, and I was one of two men that'd been with my company since the start. Maybe I would've just gotten a reprimand and a demotion. They needed my hands too much for all the rest.
But living like that. The paranoia, the wariness, the fear. It turned him mean. He hauled off once and punched this kid, one of our replacements who didn't mean no harm all because he saw us kiss. After that I guess I just lost it. The spark, those feelings. I can handle being clandestine, you know? That weren't the issue, I expected it. What I couldn't take was someone who hated what he was so much that he took it out on folks around him.
I guess for me, it ain't hard to accept because I know who I am, and I know my value, and I have my pride. Not everyone can be or has been so lucky as all that, and they're the ones I owe it to, to make peace with myself for all the ways society would hate who I am.
( So much of that second text hits uncomfortably close to home it actually knocks him on his ass a little.
he hauled off and punched this kid it turned him mean someone who hated what he was so much he took it out on folks around him
If anything at all's gonna stick with him after this conversation, it's that. )
sounds like you have a type
( Gene's got no way of knowing just how precarious it feels saying something like that. It comes so god damn close, closer than deflecting the whole thing with some innocuous inside joke about a shirt that you could arguably pretend happened between two platonic people.
It feels uncomfortable as hell, and as soon as he says it he pours himself a drink. )
（ oh the fuck doesn't he? if you think he ain't copped it to dean's intense self loathing and with the added context of now seein' him in a world without that prejudice you got another thing comin'. ）
Maybe so.
Mostly I cleave to folks I can be kind to. There's a part of me that needs that.
（ he's been a caretaker the whole of his life. left school to feed his brothers. went to war to protect his country. went to korea to mind those kids who were so much younger than he ever felt. if they're bein' excoriatin', he may as well throw himself on that same grenade. ）
Some folks need it more than others. I ain't never minded an uphill climb.
You're worth loving, you know. Lord knows I sure could.
（ maybe a part of him does, a little. gene's always come easy to affection, an' what's love but a step past it? but they ain't so far removed from that day they shared memories that gene doesn't think it bears sayin' anyhow — dean needs to hear it more than he needs his privacy on the matter. ）
But you've got a real shot at something with that fella of yours, only a fool'd waste that. And maybe it'll be a fight between your head and your heart and everything you've ever heard about what it means to love a man, but you don't get to tell me it's not worth it. Love always is. It's the best of what we can leave behind when we're gone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:16 am (UTC)Much as it's hard work, I won't say it ain't nice to have memories of clean hospitals, proper anesthetic and folks who ain't —
（ cryin' for their mamas. that's the thing he always remembers. it stays with him, an' he'll carry it until he dies. even the dead, sometimes, would cry out for family.
he shakes that thought outta his head, focuses in on somethin' else. ）
Anyway.
I'll put a plaque on a wall or something and call it a day.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:20 am (UTC)They can let that one lie. )
glad somebody walked outta there with something good, anyway
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:25 am (UTC)It's different, you know? Growing up speaking to the dead. Knowing what comes after. Knowing it's okay. I was never afraid of death, and loss... it hurt, but I reckon it wasn't ever as deep for me as it was for some other folk because I had that gift.
I didn't, there. It changed things.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:32 am (UTC)Dying used to scare the hell out of me before I learned about what came next
Then it was mostly hell that terrified me, but you know
I get the picture
I didn't have Sam
Grew up an only child
I know that's not the same thing but
Still can't wrap my head around it
( or the huge hole he felt deep down in his gut, which is probably why he went from relationship to relationship trying to fill it. )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 07:01 pm (UTC)( To even start to deal with what went down there. He doesn't even know how in the hell to finish that sentence.
And this isn't the time or the place because the time a and place is never, nowhere.
But.
Gene's gently cracking him with the right blend of light but serious. )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 08:31 pm (UTC)The sky falls down, you pick up the pieces and walk forward, that's all.
We'll take it as it comes.
I don't —
I know it ain't like that for you and me. And I'm sure you thought it wasn't like that for you and Castiel, but you're going to have to sort that out for yourself sooner rather than later.
Which I know you'll be averse to, on account of having the emotional spectrum of a hungry toddler. But I am here for you if you need me.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:31 pm (UTC)( deftly not responding to any of the relevant parts look at him go )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 09:42 pm (UTC)（ they'll come back to this, but gene is good enough at reading this idiot kansan by now that that he knows when to press and when to leave well enough alone so he can lick his wounds a spell. ）
Circling back around to the here and now. Clarke's one of my folk, and I am rightfully pissed at how you were treating her. Don't bring up her behavior, I ain't interested in hearing you trying to justify yourself. You oughta know better than to take your anger out on others by now, fella.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:07 pm (UTC)If she leaves me the hell alone we don't have a problem, she knows the score, nobody forced her in there
It's not rocket science
But I'm not gonna roll over for her either when she comes busting down my door trying to put a leash and collar on me, I'm sorry but it's not happening
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:42 pm (UTC)The both of you are sledgehammers when you feel you're in the right. Ain't a delicate bone between you. Fact still remains that your behavior escalated the matter when you should have just walked away. Leaving well enough alone is a two way street.
Just damn well ignore her. You ain't gotta get cute about it.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:46 pm (UTC)Next time I'm just not gonna say a damn word to her
but just so we're clear
If she flies off the handle about it, that's her problem
this makes us even for the shirt
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:53 pm (UTC)but it's a better point of concession than he expected, so he'll take it an' swallow down the rest. it's easier now that he's got some distance from it, an' he ain't starin' down two folks he cares for at each other's throats. ）
Well, what do I care? After all, reckon it was your shirt.
:p
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 10:58 pm (UTC)You're damn right it was
hey
how the hell do you do it, man
how are you just going with it all so easily
aren't you from like world war 2, didn't you guys
I don't know
I guess I'm just wondering how it's not hard for you to just accept that whole thing
1/2
Date: 2020-12-18 11:34 pm (UTC)It was never... golly, I sure am glad I abstained from how I felt the whole of my life to make my family or my church happy. So many folks lived and died in denial of who they were and they all carry into the great beyond, Dean.
I was real lucky, you know? My Pa was like me — with the ghosts I mean — and held to the same opinions I do on the matter of a life lived well being of greater import than one lived by somebody else's metric. And my Ma... ah... she was fond in that way of a gal she'd known in the Great War, who I grew up knowing as my Aunt Ysobel. Least judgmental folks on the face of the planet, them, though it weren't all that easy being in small town Alabama.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-18 11:43 pm (UTC)But living like that. The paranoia, the wariness, the fear. It turned him mean. He hauled off once and punched this kid, one of our replacements who didn't mean no harm all because he saw us kiss. After that I guess I just lost it. The spark, those feelings. I can handle being clandestine, you know? That weren't the issue, I expected it. What I couldn't take was someone who hated what he was so much that he took it out on folks around him.
I guess for me, it ain't hard to accept because I know who I am, and I know my value, and I have my pride. Not everyone can be or has been so lucky as all that, and they're the ones I owe it to, to make peace with myself for all the ways society would hate who I am.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 12:31 am (UTC)he hauled off and punched this kid
it turned him mean
someone who hated what he was so much he took it out on folks around him
If anything at all's gonna stick with him after this conversation, it's that. )
sounds like you have a type
( Gene's got no way of knowing just how precarious it feels saying something like that. It comes so god damn close, closer than deflecting the whole thing with some innocuous inside joke about a shirt that you could arguably pretend happened between two platonic people.
It feels uncomfortable as hell, and as soon as he says it he pours himself a drink. )
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 12:40 am (UTC)Maybe so.
Mostly I cleave to folks I can be kind to. There's a part of me that needs that.
（ he's been a caretaker the whole of his life. left school to feed his brothers. went to war to protect his country. went to korea to mind those kids who were so much younger than he ever felt. if they're bein' excoriatin', he may as well throw himself on that same grenade. ）
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 12:49 am (UTC)you sure as hell don't ever go with easy mode there, you just gotta pick the worst possible people for it
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 12:58 am (UTC)You're worth loving, you know. Lord knows I sure could.
（ maybe a part of him does, a little. gene's always come easy to affection, an' what's love but a step past it? but they ain't so far removed from that day they shared memories that gene doesn't think it bears sayin' anyhow — dean needs to hear it more than he needs his privacy on the matter. ）
But you've got a real shot at something with that fella of yours, only a fool'd waste that. And maybe it'll be a fight between your head and your heart and everything you've ever heard about what it means to love a man, but you don't get to tell me it's not worth it. Love always is. It's the best of what we can leave behind when we're gone.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 01:10 am (UTC)yup and there's my limit for emotional bonding for the year, good talk, see you in 2513
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 01:12 am (UTC)What did I say? A toddler.
Go suck a lemon, Dean.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 01:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 01:14 am (UTC)Don't fight with Clarke again or I will straight up knock you on your ass, my hand to God.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-19 01:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
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