[ The last person who apologized to him was Carolina. He'd tried to kill her for it. Been convinced it was some Freelancer trick, a ploy to get inside his guard and kill him quickly, get him out of the way so she could go on fighting her war. He hadn't bothered learning anything about the people on Chorus, beyond what weapons they had. She and Washington had been the targets, the only thing that mattered there. He would have let the planet die, if he could have just taken those two with it. She must have known that. Felt the rage when he fought her, when he took her blows and refused to go down.
Still, she apologized. And there's a moment, sitting in the back room of some shitty nightclub, that Ephemera wonders if maybe she'd meant it. If she'd realized the enormity of what she'd done.
Then he remembers what it had been like to watch CT drag Chica and Barrows out of the water, to know the two of them had drowned in their armor. Ephemera hadn't been there but he'd watched the security footage obsessively, until he knew every beat of it, until he'd seen his brothers and sisters die a thousand times. He thinks Chica was unconscious when she went in, thinks she cracked her skull open in the fall. He doesn't know about Barrows but he prays, more than anything, that his brother didn't see it coming. That it happened quickly. It's an awful way to die, drowning. One of the worst he can imagine.
He flinches again, but Gene doesn't go for a blow. Just puts his hand on Ephemera's shoulder and meets his gaze straight on. Keeps his voice slow and even, and offers to listen. Ephemera stares at him for a long time. Part of him wants to reach out and put his hand over Gene's, just for the comfort of touching another person, of letting that happen without expecting a fight will follow. The way he used to grab Chica's hand, or throw his arm around Barrows's shoulder.
Proximity. Contact. The understanding he'd be safe.
He doesn't. But he doesn't shove Gene away, either, and that would have been the smarter thing. Later, he'll wonder about that. ]
It hurts. Talking about them.
[ He twitches. Flexes his hands to get the feeling back in them, and remember what it's like to exist in his own body and not just his head. His thoughts take over sometimes. He can get lost in them. ]
But. Maybe. Did I hit you?
[ The last part is asked somewhat abruptly. He doesn't remember doing that, but he lashes out sometimes, when he gets lost. ]
An' no, you didn't. Reckon you thought about it, though, but you held yourself back for no reason beyond makin' that choice for yourself.
( al's hit him plenty when he's in the throes of his rage. gene always fights back, but even with only one arm his brother's got him beat by spades. al has always had that vicious streak in him that made him go for the throat, it's an instinct that didn't get passed on to him. still, gene don't mind gettin' hit. gettin' hurt. lord knows sometimes a fella just needs to get it outta their system. even if ephemera chose to do it here an' now, it wouldn't do much more than make him ache on his account. pain's pain. just somethin' to survive.
[ Ephemera makes a strangled noise, doubtful. The pain's been with him a long time now, even longer than the rage. It feels inevitable, endless. And part of him needs it, so the anger has something to draw on. But he doesn't refuse, either.
A mistake, probably. Gene's seen too much of him now. There's nothing to stop him from telling the others and there's a horrible moment when Ephemera's certain Angela will find out, that she'll know somehow and drop him hard. She's his ally and there was a moment, just a moment, when he'd called her a friend, but she's too much of a professional to let this stand. If she knows —
Breathe. Stay in the moment.
He exhales. Spreads his fingers wide and then lays them flat against the bench. Focuses on the texture. That's real, that's right now. He didn't hit Gene, didn't break Hunter's rule. Okay. You good?
No. But he'll survive it. He's good at that. ]
Yeah. I'm good.
[ He's calmer now, at least. Shocked himself out of the dead panic. The rest will hit him later, after he's crashed and had time to take stock of it. The rest of him feels pushed down, muted somehow, and that's probably a good thing now. That'll keep him from getting too flinchy and making this worse. ]
( he makes a soft, low noise, sort of a mm? of comfort, pitched higher goin' than comin'. he's still listenin' but now in that far-off distant way he gets about him when he's lost in the nature of his work.
he sterilizes the needle an' makes ready his supplies, then leans in to start his work. he uses interrupted stitches, tyin' off each one before he adds another. the little black rows of thread are neat an' evenly spaced, painstakingly done so each looks like the one before it.
he could lapse on into silence, so the only thing between 'em would be the soft punctuative pops as the needle goes through the epidermis an' the whisper of a dressin' as he wipes blood away. instead, he talks as he works, his voice keepin' that soft, even cadence. )
You know, when we dropped on into Sicily durin' the War an' advanced on through Italy, I remember we took over this factory on our way. We'd been fightin' hard for what felt like a year an' ain't had no relief, an' this factory, see, it was meant for mattress-makin'. They had everythin' you'd ever need, an' the boys got it in their heads we were gonna bed down that night in real luxury. We'd set up triage in one'a the outbuildings an' these two fellas, Angel an' Jasper, they dragged a mattress out for me an' Vergil — he was the other medic in my platoon — to share, so damn proud'a themselves for thinkin' of us. Lord, I reckon it was the best sleep I had in the whole'a the war. Damn feathery thing. Ginny sneezed his fool head off all night an' eventually went to sleep outside, so I had it all to myself.
( he ties off the last of the stitches deftly, snips the black thread. done. the stitches get a cursory inspection, an' then he reaches for another few things outta his bag. )
Try to keep it dry, yeah? An' don't pick at it, for the love of the Lord. I'll take the stitches out in 'bout a week. You want me to try healin' it, too? It ain't instant, but it should hasten the process some an' help stave off any chance of infection an' the like.
[ After a moment, Ephemera just closes his eyes and lets it happen. Gene would have hurt him already if that was what he'd intended. This just the aftermath, something to be endured. And for a bit it's easy just to fall into the rhythm of the moment, listen as Gene speaks and the thread drags.
Then it's done.
Ephemera leans back. Blinks until his vision clears and resists the urge to reach up and touch the wound. Find the edges. ]
I know the drill.
[ It'll be bad if it gets infected on top of everything. He really can't afford that. But the question gives him pause, and he goes still. Already one freakout down. Really can't afford another. ]
I'm good.
[ He nods to himself. Yeah. He's good. Keep it dry, keep it clean. It's fine. ]
I'm good.
[ He'll make it true, even if it's not right now. ]
( he lets it be. hands ephemera a bandaid that'll about cover it, an' some salve of some sort or other. it don't have that old carbolic smell to it, which he finds he oddly misses, but it should do in a pinch. )
Then I'll let you manage this part.
( he thinks he's pushed the man just about as much as he can handle, an' gene's always had a keen intuition for how much a fella can take before they need to get back from the front. hot meal and a night's sleep. lord, but ephemera needs both. an' a friend to help him through.
to the gratitude, he just shakes his head, pats the man's knee as he stands up. there's some stiffness to his ankle, he shifts his weight off it briefly. really, he ought to see about the shrapnel. there's bound to be a surgeon here deft enough to manage it. )
Don't you get it in your head you owe me on account'a doin' my job, fella, huh? This is who we are.
( the good, the bad. helpin' each other. holdin' back a blow. all that. some of what lives in them in ugliness, an' there are surely folks who don't get that, but he does. ain't no judgment in him for it. he does reach out a last time, a hand against ephemera's shoulder, a slight flex of his hand. )
[ Somehow that clicks. Shakes something loose in his head. This is who we are.
Ephemera nods slowly. Doesn't stand up yet. He thinks about the baton and the knife, and how he'll probably sleep holding both of them. He's going to crash, he can feel it coming over him already. The exhaustion pressing down. Nothing for it. If he went out into the ring for another fight, for the adrenaline push, he'd turn it, make it real in a way that this sort of thing isn't meant to be. People fight for money, for spectacle, but not to kill one another and he'd probably kill someone if he went down again.
He breathes. In and out. Keeps it as steady as he can and doesn't slap Gene's hand away. Maybe they're beyond that, now. Or at least for tonight. ]
This is who we are.
[ He breathes. Focuses on that. On remembering what it's like to be in a body and not just his head. ]
I'll draw him for you.
[ He shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have offered, except that Gene did him a kindness, a real one, and that ought to be repaid. Ephemera's got nothing else to offer, nothing anyone else would want except a hand in violence or this. He closes his eyes again. Breathes out. ]
Your friend. If you describe him. I'll draw it. Not tonight. But —
( he ain't got many pictures of reggie. a strip of photos from a booth at the '39 world fair, the two of them goofin' off together, makin' silly faces for the camera flash. it's about all he has. gene still don't know why reg picked him, of all the folks in all the world, but. he did, an' they had four good years. best ones of his life, really, those days in new york sneakin' in places like the café society in greenwich an' watchin' the city from the observation deck of the empire state. lordy, they got in so many fights in back alleys, too, whenever someone took exception to reggie's presence in a white neighborhood, but most of their time was spent laughin', arm-in-arm.
in the years after '43, he had a ghost. now, here, he ain't got nothin' but his memories. the offer, such as it's meant, is almost its own manner'a blow. gene sucks a breath in through his teeth.
there's a moment when you step outta a plane when the world falls away an' gravity grabs you by the guts an' yanks your body down. it's a little like that. the drop. puttin' your faith in open air. )
I.
( he'd hate that. somethin' still an' empty. reg' was so damn full of life, it's the main thing gene's memory holds to him. he was always doin' somethin'. movin', dancin', whistlin' in perfect key. he could play the piano and loved the sax an' used to come up with ditties on the fly for no other reason beyond an honest joy in music. he could learn languages like he was born to 'em, an' gene still thinks he would'a become a doctor like his pa if he hadn't died on a clear, cloudless day in france.
he wants to politely defer. or at the very least brush the man off an' hope he forgets about it later, but. he can guess some at what this costs, too, an' he don't have it in him to refuse an honest kindness. his brow furrows, an' he has to breathe out easy because he can already feel the pinpricks of tears hot behind his eyes. he rubs his hand across the bridge of his nose. an' then nods, once.
there are always things bigger than your own pain. )
[ It would have been easy to land a blow now. Gene's open for it, exposed. Counting ghosts. It would've been easy to stand up and snap his neck, just like that. Ephemera had wanted to do that once. Not with Gene, no, but Carolina, he'd wanted her to know it was coming. To die hurting just like he was. It was why he'd refused to modify his gear to a suit a sniper rifle. There had been too much of him that needed her to know it was him, to see it coming. And he'd hated her enough to try it, to dig into whatever opening she gave.
He breathes out. ]
Okay.
[ He's never known what to do when other people cried except embrace them, and that —
Part of him wants to ease the hurt. But that's not his place. Not when he caused it in the first place. There's nothing to do but wait it out and hope it won't scar.
He stands up slowly. Better to leave now, and keep to his own company. His head isn't good around other people tonight. ]
[ Ephemera stiffs at the touch, but only a little. They're probably beyond that now, he thinks. With what they know about each other. The pain that was shared, and what Ephemera promised him. It's rare that he draws for other people, but this is important.
Just grab the other half'a the bench. Easier with two people.
( he'd done it alone to start, an' he could this time around too, but. there's somethin' of a catharsis in helpin'. in bein' asked to help. it's as important to the psyche as any other human thing. )
Right, [ he murmurs, feeling foolish. It was obvious, wasn't it? But his mind feels distant and tangled still, caught up on distant things. This is physical, though. Easy.
All right, then. You go on. look after yourself, pal.
( it's soft an' heartfelt. he won't offer to walk the man back to the safehouse or any such thing, he's obviously a fella what eschews weaknesses an' has had near about his fill. but gene'll probably check in on him after a few hours just to make sure he's sleepin' well as he can an' that he's doin' all right, an' he'll be content with that. )
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no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 04:06 am (UTC)Still, she apologized. And there's a moment, sitting in the back room of some shitty nightclub, that Ephemera wonders if maybe she'd meant it. If she'd realized the enormity of what she'd done.
Then he remembers what it had been like to watch CT drag Chica and Barrows out of the water, to know the two of them had drowned in their armor. Ephemera hadn't been there but he'd watched the security footage obsessively, until he knew every beat of it, until he'd seen his brothers and sisters die a thousand times. He thinks Chica was unconscious when she went in, thinks she cracked her skull open in the fall. He doesn't know about Barrows but he prays, more than anything, that his brother didn't see it coming. That it happened quickly. It's an awful way to die, drowning. One of the worst he can imagine.
He flinches again, but Gene doesn't go for a blow. Just puts his hand on Ephemera's shoulder and meets his gaze straight on. Keeps his voice slow and even, and offers to listen. Ephemera stares at him for a long time. Part of him wants to reach out and put his hand over Gene's, just for the comfort of touching another person, of letting that happen without expecting a fight will follow. The way he used to grab Chica's hand, or throw his arm around Barrows's shoulder.
Proximity. Contact. The understanding he'd be safe.
He doesn't. But he doesn't shove Gene away, either, and that would have been the smarter thing. Later, he'll wonder about that. ]
It hurts. Talking about them.
[ He twitches. Flexes his hands to get the feeling back in them, and remember what it's like to exist in his own body and not just his head. His thoughts take over sometimes. He can get lost in them. ]
But. Maybe. Did I hit you?
[ The last part is asked somewhat abruptly. He doesn't remember doing that, but he lashes out sometimes, when he gets lost. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 04:15 am (UTC)( not always. but sometimes. )
An' no, you didn't. Reckon you thought about it, though, but you held yourself back for no reason beyond makin' that choice for yourself.
( al's hit him plenty when he's in the throes of his rage. gene always fights back, but even with only one arm his brother's got him beat by spades. al has always had that vicious streak in him that made him go for the throat, it's an instinct that didn't get passed on to him. still, gene don't mind gettin' hit. gettin' hurt. lord knows sometimes a fella just needs to get it outta their system. even if ephemera chose to do it here an' now, it wouldn't do much more than make him ache on his account. pain's pain. just somethin' to survive.
gene nods to the cut above his eye. )
I'd best get to fixin' that up. You good?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 04:26 am (UTC)A mistake, probably. Gene's seen too much of him now. There's nothing to stop him from telling the others and there's a horrible moment when Ephemera's certain Angela will find out, that she'll know somehow and drop him hard. She's his ally and there was a moment, just a moment, when he'd called her a friend, but she's too much of a professional to let this stand. If she knows —
Breathe. Stay in the moment.
He exhales. Spreads his fingers wide and then lays them flat against the bench. Focuses on the texture. That's real, that's right now. He didn't hit Gene, didn't break Hunter's rule. Okay. You good?
No. But he'll survive it. He's good at that. ]
Yeah. I'm good.
[ He's calmer now, at least. Shocked himself out of the dead panic. The rest will hit him later, after he's crashed and had time to take stock of it. The rest of him feels pushed down, muted somehow, and that's probably a good thing now. That'll keep him from getting too flinchy and making this worse. ]
cw for wound stitching
Date: 2020-01-01 04:56 am (UTC)he sterilizes the needle an' makes ready his supplies, then leans in to start his work. he uses interrupted stitches, tyin' off each one before he adds another. the little black rows of thread are neat an' evenly spaced, painstakingly done so each looks like the one before it.
he could lapse on into silence, so the only thing between 'em would be the soft punctuative pops as the needle goes through the epidermis an' the whisper of a dressin' as he wipes blood away. instead, he talks as he works, his voice keepin' that soft, even cadence. )
You know, when we dropped on into Sicily durin' the War an' advanced on through Italy, I remember we took over this factory on our way. We'd been fightin' hard for what felt like a year an' ain't had no relief, an' this factory, see, it was meant for mattress-makin'. They had everythin' you'd ever need, an' the boys got it in their heads we were gonna bed down that night in real luxury. We'd set up triage in one'a the outbuildings an' these two fellas, Angel an' Jasper, they dragged a mattress out for me an' Vergil — he was the other medic in my platoon — to share, so damn proud'a themselves for thinkin' of us. Lord, I reckon it was the best sleep I had in the whole'a the war. Damn feathery thing. Ginny sneezed his fool head off all night an' eventually went to sleep outside, so I had it all to myself.
( he ties off the last of the stitches deftly, snips the black thread. done. the stitches get a cursory inspection, an' then he reaches for another few things outta his bag. )
Try to keep it dry, yeah? An' don't pick at it, for the love of the Lord. I'll take the stitches out in 'bout a week. You want me to try healin' it, too? It ain't instant, but it should hasten the process some an' help stave off any chance of infection an' the like.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 04:07 pm (UTC)Then it's done.
Ephemera leans back. Blinks until his vision clears and resists the urge to reach up and touch the wound. Find the edges. ]
I know the drill.
[ It'll be bad if it gets infected on top of everything. He really can't afford that. But the question gives him pause, and he goes still. Already one freakout down. Really can't afford another. ]
I'm good.
[ He nods to himself. Yeah. He's good. Keep it dry, keep it clean. It's fine. ]
I'm good.
[ He'll make it true, even if it's not right now. ]
....thank you. For. All of that.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 04:57 pm (UTC)Then I'll let you manage this part.
( he thinks he's pushed the man just about as much as he can handle, an' gene's always had a keen intuition for how much a fella can take before they need to get back from the front. hot meal and a night's sleep. lord, but ephemera needs both. an' a friend to help him through.
to the gratitude, he just shakes his head, pats the man's knee as he stands up. there's some stiffness to his ankle, he shifts his weight off it briefly. really, he ought to see about the shrapnel. there's bound to be a surgeon here deft enough to manage it. )
Don't you get it in your head you owe me on account'a doin' my job, fella, huh? This is who we are.
( the good, the bad. helpin' each other. holdin' back a blow. all that. some of what lives in them in ugliness, an' there are surely folks who don't get that, but he does. ain't no judgment in him for it. he does reach out a last time, a hand against ephemera's shoulder, a slight flex of his hand. )
Only way forward is through, brother.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 05:13 pm (UTC)Ephemera nods slowly. Doesn't stand up yet. He thinks about the baton and the knife, and how he'll probably sleep holding both of them. He's going to crash, he can feel it coming over him already. The exhaustion pressing down. Nothing for it. If he went out into the ring for another fight, for the adrenaline push, he'd turn it, make it real in a way that this sort of thing isn't meant to be. People fight for money, for spectacle, but not to kill one another and he'd probably kill someone if he went down again.
He breathes. In and out. Keeps it as steady as he can and doesn't slap Gene's hand away. Maybe they're beyond that, now. Or at least for tonight. ]
This is who we are.
[ He breathes. Focuses on that. On remembering what it's like to be in a body and not just his head. ]
I'll draw him for you.
[ He shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have offered, except that Gene did him a kindness, a real one, and that ought to be repaid. Ephemera's got nothing else to offer, nothing anyone else would want except a hand in violence or this. He closes his eyes again. Breathes out. ]
Your friend. If you describe him. I'll draw it. Not tonight. But —
[ He opens his eyes, both of them. ]
I'm good a that.
cw for brief mention of period racism;
Date: 2020-01-01 05:58 pm (UTC)in the years after '43, he had a ghost. now, here, he ain't got nothin' but his memories. the offer, such as it's meant, is almost its own manner'a blow. gene sucks a breath in through his teeth.
there's a moment when you step outta a plane when the world falls away an' gravity grabs you by the guts an' yanks your body down. it's a little like that. the drop. puttin' your faith in open air. )
I.
( he'd hate that. somethin' still an' empty. reg' was so damn full of life, it's the main thing gene's memory holds to him. he was always doin' somethin'. movin', dancin', whistlin' in perfect key. he could play the piano and loved the sax an' used to come up with ditties on the fly for no other reason beyond an honest joy in music. he could learn languages like he was born to 'em, an' gene still thinks he would'a become a doctor like his pa if he hadn't died on a clear, cloudless day in france.
he wants to politely defer. or at the very least brush the man off an' hope he forgets about it later, but. he can guess some at what this costs, too, an' he don't have it in him to refuse an honest kindness. his brow furrows, an' he has to breathe out easy because he can already feel the pinpricks of tears hot behind his eyes. he rubs his hand across the bridge of his nose. an' then nods, once.
there are always things bigger than your own pain. )
I'd like that very much.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-01 06:28 pm (UTC)He breathes out. ]
Okay.
[ He's never known what to do when other people cried except embrace them, and that —
Part of him wants to ease the hurt. But that's not his place. Not when he caused it in the first place. There's nothing to do but wait it out and hope it won't scar.
He stands up slowly. Better to leave now, and keep to his own company. His head isn't good around other people tonight. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-01-02 02:30 am (UTC)gene just slings his bag across his back an' goes to unblock the door, bumpin' ephemera's shoulder as he goes. )
C'mon, gimme a hand.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-02 02:59 am (UTC)He'll get it right, when the time comes. ]
What do you need?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-02 03:00 am (UTC)( he'd done it alone to start, an' he could this time around too, but. there's somethin' of a catharsis in helpin'. in bein' asked to help. it's as important to the psyche as any other human thing. )
no subject
Date: 2020-01-02 03:14 am (UTC)He lifts his end. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-01-03 01:38 am (UTC)C'mon. You want a drink, or you reckon you're gonna head back to the safehouse an' get some rest after all that?
no subject
Date: 2020-01-03 02:01 am (UTC)[ He's too tired to play it off. Just the fact of it. ]
I'm gonna head back. Sleep it off.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-04 12:21 am (UTC)( it's soft an' heartfelt. he won't offer to walk the man back to the safehouse or any such thing, he's obviously a fella what eschews weaknesses an' has had near about his fill. but gene'll probably check in on him after a few hours just to make sure he's sleepin' well as he can an' that he's doin' all right, an' he'll be content with that. )