( this wasn't his intention when he spilled to gene. hell, usually when people hear i took over numerous gangs they fuck off. he wasn't expecting that with gene; he's stubborn, too kind. but. nor was he anticipating this. he presses his tongue against the inside of his cheek. pauses for a moment. )
I will take every precaution an' then some, I will do the utmost to keep myself outta trouble. But if it comes to my door, I ain't gonna flinch from it, an' I ain't gonna stop. An' as much as you may hate me sayin' that, I reckon we wouldn't be friends otherwise.
( he can't risk gene. he can't risk him like he had put others at risk. not when gene has supported him like this. not when he's--too kind. he'd get himself hurt, and jason couldn't forgive himself. )
( all that means to him is that he'll find his own way. because now that he's got the idea in his mind, he ain't lettin' it go. but he won't argue that with jason. )
( he doesn't look at him, just lets him stand up. he plays a few bars of an ol' song he knew from his pa, an' then lets his hands still over the keys. )
When I stand before God on Judgement Day, He's gonna tell me the worst'a my flaws is stubbornness an' pride.
( he scrubs a hand through his hair, an' then follows suit an' stands up, takin' the empty beer bottle into the kitchen. )
I can't do nothin', fella. I can't. Bein' helpless is the only thing that's ever brought me to my knees, an' if in the pursuit of doin' good I get hurt or worse, well. You can do everythin' right, an' still fail. I'd walk into Hell for you, Jason, but I won't sit by.
Oh, come on. There's so much other shit you can stick your nose into. ( hand in his hair, pulling what strands are long enough. he'll need to cut it again soon. )
There're kids. There's the crap the mobs pull! There's-- hell, there's a crapton of folks who're struggling to find decent housing after shit got destroyed. An' you insist on going after the one goddamn thing--
You wanna know how they kept us paratroopers goin' on our marches, Jason?
( he didn't know it at the time. but comin' here an' learnin' more about drug culture, he's got a better name for what was in those bennies, an' he shakes his head some. )
We used to lift somethin' called Pervitin off the Germans. Some time in '43 we started gettin' Benzedrine in our ration kits. Just a fancy way of sayin' amphetamines. We needed to stay awake, you know? Go days without sleep an' still have what it took to win a skirmish. I used to see boys shake when they'd go through withdrawals an' it'd often get 'em killed, if we hadn't gotten a chance to resupply. So yeah, maybe this one thing matters more to me than the rest.
( he ain't against drugs. hell, he's taken a couple here — he remembers dancin' with clarke while the relaxation an' ease of it coursed through his veins. but he'd been lucky. an' there were hundreds of his brothers that weren't so much. )
( thank you, for making jason regret opening his mouth and letting gene in on what he's up to. because he does get it, see. it's the same reason why jason's always been a bit more sensitive when it comes to women and children. he's been part of their pain, knows how shit it is to grow up like that. remembers watching his mom slowly get worse and worse. remembers snagging shit out of trashcans to eat so they wouldn't keel over and die of starvation.
so he can't argue against gene, because he does understand. instead he makes a pained, half-noise in the back of his throat. )
I'm gonna make it harder on you, every step of the way.
( he looks at jay, tiredly, head canted to one side. )
Jason. I'm not gonna be stupid, an' I ain't gonna take unnecessary risks, an' I'll listen to you about what you think might be a danger. All I'm sayin' is, you don't call the shots for when I'm done. Just... trust me, huh fella? No medic worth his salt runs into fire trustin' he won't be shot.
( there were times he had to let people die. he owns that. you can't save 'em all if there's any hope of you bein' able to help the next fella, an' the next. )
( gene looks tired, jason looks fucking exhausted. this isn't the first time he's gone through this. everyone he went into the underground with is--gone. disappeared months previous. he still misses kovacs and his wide shoulders the most, even though laura and caroline were both badasses after his heart, too. but they're all still fucking gone.
so he takes in a breath. counts backwards from ten. remembers he can't get roy involved with gene either, so he can't even use that as a backup to try and keep gene out of a mess. he's got a few trustworthy others he can rely on though, so-- )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-04 11:12 pm (UTC)Fine. But if anything goes wrong, you're done.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-04 11:17 pm (UTC)( he says it quiet. a little tired. )
I will take every precaution an' then some, I will do the utmost to keep myself outta trouble. But if it comes to my door, I ain't gonna flinch from it, an' I ain't gonna stop. An' as much as you may hate me sayin' that, I reckon we wouldn't be friends otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-04 11:31 pm (UTC)( he can't risk gene. he can't risk him like he had put others at risk. not when gene has supported him like this. not when he's--too kind. he'd get himself hurt, and jason couldn't forgive himself. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-04 11:33 pm (UTC)All right.
( all that means to him is that he'll find his own way. because now that he's got the idea in his mind, he ain't lettin' it go. but he won't argue that with jason. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-04 11:59 pm (UTC)( there's no bite to it. but he is moving to stand himself up. )
Seriously. I don't wanna have to get rough with you.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-05 12:15 am (UTC)When I stand before God on Judgement Day, He's gonna tell me the worst'a my flaws is stubbornness an' pride.
( he scrubs a hand through his hair, an' then follows suit an' stands up, takin' the empty beer bottle into the kitchen. )
I can't do nothin', fella. I can't. Bein' helpless is the only thing that's ever brought me to my knees, an' if in the pursuit of doin' good I get hurt or worse, well. You can do everythin' right, an' still fail. I'd walk into Hell for you, Jason, but I won't sit by.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-05 06:35 pm (UTC)There're kids. There's the crap the mobs pull! There's-- hell, there's a crapton of folks who're struggling to find decent housing after shit got destroyed. An' you insist on going after the one goddamn thing--
no subject
Date: 2020-09-05 09:28 pm (UTC)( he didn't know it at the time. but comin' here an' learnin' more about drug culture, he's got a better name for what was in those bennies, an' he shakes his head some. )
We used to lift somethin' called Pervitin off the Germans. Some time in '43 we started gettin' Benzedrine in our ration kits. Just a fancy way of sayin' amphetamines. We needed to stay awake, you know? Go days without sleep an' still have what it took to win a skirmish. I used to see boys shake when they'd go through withdrawals an' it'd often get 'em killed, if we hadn't gotten a chance to resupply. So yeah, maybe this one thing matters more to me than the rest.
( he ain't against drugs. hell, he's taken a couple here — he remembers dancin' with clarke while the relaxation an' ease of it coursed through his veins. but he'd been lucky. an' there were hundreds of his brothers that weren't so much. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 04:28 am (UTC)so he can't argue against gene, because he does understand. instead he makes a pained, half-noise in the back of his throat. )
I'm gonna make it harder on you, every step of the way.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 04:58 am (UTC)Jason. I'm not gonna be stupid, an' I ain't gonna take unnecessary risks, an' I'll listen to you about what you think might be a danger. All I'm sayin' is, you don't call the shots for when I'm done. Just... trust me, huh fella? No medic worth his salt runs into fire trustin' he won't be shot.
( there were times he had to let people die. he owns that. you can't save 'em all if there's any hope of you bein' able to help the next fella, an' the next. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:07 am (UTC)so he takes in a breath. counts backwards from ten. remembers he can't get roy involved with gene either, so he can't even use that as a backup to try and keep gene out of a mess. he's got a few trustworthy others he can rely on though, so-- )
Fine, a'right. But you're not doing it alone.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:09 am (UTC)( he can compromise just fine. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:12 am (UTC)Fine.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:22 am (UTC)Rethinkin' that whole favorite thing?
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:31 am (UTC)( but he says it much in the same manner as a petulant child would. all attitude. )
Let me meet up with Rogers ( so he can fight him. ) then I'll hand over a list of names.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:34 am (UTC)( just casually calling you out again jay, nbd. )
He fought in my war, too. It gets complicated after that.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:35 am (UTC)( so he doesn't need the story, he already gets enough sass. but he is going to casually ignore gene trying to ruin him again. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:37 am (UTC)( he groans faintly, rubbing at his brow. )
Won't ever get used to that nonsense.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:41 am (UTC)Which one do you know? The depressed younger one or the older sassy one?
( god. that actually makes no sense, now that he thinks about it. they're both depressed and sassy. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:47 am (UTC)( ...maybe? )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:52 am (UTC)( it's one of the few reasons he is (mildly) fond of them. )
One of 'em threw off his arm recently so he's only got one. That one's the younger one.
( just fyi. unless he's gotten it replaced already. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 05:54 am (UTC)( he says that playfully, with a bit of a mischievous grin. )
An', ah. Yeah, definitely the older one, then.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 06:10 am (UTC)Maybe I just like people who keep me on my toes.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 06:14 am (UTC)( he gives jay an appraisin' look, an' then: )
You ought'a come one of these days so's I can school you.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-06 06:19 am (UTC)( which: gross. )
You ain't gettin me to dance.
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